A great day has descended upon Memphis: a day when farmer and foreigner alike can enjoy downtown Memphis after dusk and feel more protected than behind closed doors of the CIA’s most secret safe house.
Bass Pro Shop has opened an adventure megastore in the neglected Pyramid in downtown Memphis — complete with the world’s first 3,000 pound alligator discovered in the nearby Mississippi River, aptly named Big Fella. An impressive collection of guns is on display at the store’s Beretta Fine Gun Center, which was donated by Ford Motor Company when their F-150 convention at the neighboring Cannon Center was held up by local street gangs attempting a robbery. Bass Pro Shop is proud to say that crime has dropped 1,000% in downtown Memphis since the opening of their megastore. Local gang leaders behind the attempted robbery have mysteriously disappeared, although Bass Pro claims that the incident is unrelated.
The Great American Pyramid of Memphis was forsaken for years, given to all sorts of rumors about underground casinos, zip lines and celebrities curing nymphomaniacs. When Bass Pro Shop purchased the building and began talking about their megastore, they were met with great skepticism. But their highly anticipated opening was met with thousands of curious Memphians and tourists who flocked to their air conditioned adventure store just hours before popping a few cold ones at Memphis in May’s Beale Street Music Festival.
“We were already downtown for the Music Festival, and we only come out this far about twice a year. We figured we’d make the most of our road trip,” said Cindy Suburbia, resident of Germantown. “We bought some personalized duck calls to support the local economy. It’s the least we can do for those poor souls trapped in Memphis.”
The biggest appeal for those who couldn’t care less about hunting is the country’s largest free standing elevator, which was initially built as a pulley feeding system for Big Fella. When former employees of the store were discovered abusing the pulley as late night gambling entertainment of “Gang vs. Big Fella,” Bass Pro corporate was quickly inspired to find a suitable and profitable use for the space.
The fee to take the 28-story elevator to the outlook at the top of the Pyramid is a modest $10 per person, a small price to pay to see the bridge that crosses the mighty Mississippi, which can be viewed from virtually any place downtown.
“I remember taking the elevator up the Eiffel Tower my year abroad and this is WAY better. #MemphisPyramid #SoExcited #MissingParis,” tweeted University of Memphis student @countrykween.
Some are not so excited about the new neighbors, though. A representative from the Peabody Hotel calls the new megastore “an affront to the historic value of our city and our noble ducks.” When asked how they responded when the Duckmaster was seen snapping a selfie at the store, they declined to answer.
Rhodes College anthropologist Jeremiah Dunn sports a Ph.D. in sociology for his dissertation, “Patterns of the Southern Man and the Social Impact of Hunting and Golf.” Dunn states his concern that the “conservative gun-toting [sic] agenda” will permeate throughout Memphis due to the marketing genius of Bass Pro Shop. The company recently announced a back-to-school campaign that encourages young students with straight A’s to bring their report card at the end of the semester to enter a raffle to win a 20-gauge and a free hunting trip with Duck Dynasty’s celebrity cousin from Pawnee, Indiana — Duke Silver.
“Bass Pro is providing a historically violent city with guns and painting it as a ‘a family-friendly experience.’ They are essentially shooting our community in the back, which is what we in the academic circles call ‘a dick move,’” Dunn said, as he purchased a tent and mess kit for his son’s Boy Scout trip this weekend. “We cannot let them prevail.”
Dunn invites all who are interested to join him for a “Duck Die-In” on the banks of the Mississippi at the end of the month. He will be dressed as a duck in protest to the violence promoted by Bass Pro Shop and encourages protesters to bring their own camping gear, which can be purchased in Bass Pro Shop next to their archery and shooting range. The Peabody Ducks will make a special appearance with a solemn walk to memorialize their fallen comrades as soon as they fill their open position for Duckmaster.
This parody was originally published in The New Southern.